the big birthday party

sullivan's first birthday party was quite an event. grandma and pappy flew in from colorado and meredith came down from san fran. all in all, i think there were about 20 people there. we barbecued and just hung out. sullivan did pretty well; he had a few meltdowns due to over stimulation and noise, but for the most part he had a great time playing in his pool and opening presents. i knew he would cry during the birthday song, and sure enough, he did. i was telling someone about this and she said, "i'm sure he was thinking, 'why are all these people yelling at me?' that must be what it feels like to him," and that makes perfect sense to me.

*update* at meredith's request, i have added the below picture of post-crying sullivan. she says he looks like me here, when i was a little girl on the verge of tears.

ryan was also hoping that he would dive face first into his cake and icing, but he didn't do that at all. he didn't seem to like the feel of the icing, and i thought maybe once he tasted it he would be into it, but that wasn't the case either. he eyed it suspiciously for what seemed like forever and then ate a few fingers worth of icing. maybe next year?

sully got to play in his pool at his party. playing in the pool, or bath, is his favorite activity. we just had him go naked instead of wasting a swim diaper. he didn't seem to mind.

by the time we got around to presents, he was getting really tired, but a nap was an impossibility so we pressed on. the toy lawn mower he got from brett and jenny was a big hit; he loves pushing that thing around! annie bought him a puppy costume and we tried the hat on for size. we could not stop taking pictures of him in the hat because he looked so cute. my cheeks hurt from smiling at his cuteness. and he tolerated the hat surprisingly well!

everyone always says this, and it is definitely true: kids will inevitably like the box the toy came in more than the toy itself. while the men put together the ATV sully entertained himself with the box.

and here he is riding the ATV. he has gotten a little better at it and now he likes for me to push him around the backyard. he also really likes to stand in front of it, put his hands on the handlebars and push it around. that is a great way to tire him out before naps or bedtime!

he also got a plastic slide from my parents which he climbs all over for a good part of every day. he is going to get a lot of use out of that.

all in all, it was a very successful day, and it was so great to hang out with all our friends and family for what may be the last time at our house.

everyone kept asking us what we got sully for his birthday, and honestly it hadn't crossed my mind to get him anything at all! but we did just get him a new car seat, so i guess that is his birthday present. happy 1st birthday, little guy! i can't wait to see what the next year brings.

one trip round the sun

the first of many naps....

sullivan and i getting acquainted

the first picture of sullivan

taken today. happy birthday little man! (he likes to clap when he stands).

oh man.

this time last year sullivan was only a few minutes old. i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how fast time slips by. it feels like yesterday, and yet also like a thousand years ago, that we brought sullivan home from the hospital. how did this happen? my tiny little baby has morphed into a happy, busy, active toddler, seemingly overnight. it is all so cliche, but he is growing up so fast. Here are some of the high and low points of the past year:

high:

labor and birth: i know it might sound weird, but labor was such an amazing experience. blindingly painful mind you, but amazing to see and feel my body in its most primal, instinctive form. at that moment i was no different from anyone woman who has ever given birth, ever. i thought about anne boleyn being on bedrest for six months or however long it was, that woman in 'pillars of the earth,' marie antoinette, my mother, my grandmothers, etc. the details vary, but it is all essentially the same.

and once i had the epidural, the rest was really, really easy. i relaxed and watched the contractions on the monitor. tried to take a nap. chatted with ryan and the doctors and nurses. i always imagined there would be this urgency, panic. that i'd be in pain, that i'd have to push, NOW, get this kid out of me NOW. instead, it was all very leisurely, which suited me fine. after i'd been there a while and dilating nicely, the doctor checked me and said i was at 9 1/2, he had a c-section to do at 8:30 so he thought i could start pushing at 9. i never thought i'd be given a time for that. and that is exactly what happened. we'd watch the contraction monitor and as soon as one was coming, i would do two sets of 10 second pushes. then we'd break and wait for the next contraction. ryan and i chatted with our nurse, sarah who was from north dakota, or watched a snippet of sports center. one moment i will never forget is the doctor coming in to see me do a few pushes watching sports center with ryan while we waited for a contraction. after a lot of pushing that felt to me was going nowhere only because i couldn't feel anything, the doctor was summoned and i had only a few more pushes to go. one moment sully was in my belly, the next moment he was a new person in the room! and i didn't cry, which was surprising because any sort of extreme emotion always makes me cry. i just remember smiles and happiness and awe; awe that i gave birth, awe that he was there, looking at me with his eyes that i MADE, awe.

low*:

breastfeeding: in the hospital, breastfeeding was great, he latched on, he ate a lot and i had a ton of nurses helping me. Then, my milk came in. read this post for details.

and then, we he was a month old, after i thought i had all my issues ironed out, i got a blocked duct, which was almost more painful than the raw nipples.

i put an asterisk by this 'low' entry because, while it was terrible, i also fought through it and ended up nursing him for almost a year. i'm pretty proud of that accomplishment.

high:

joy. and not just the joy he brings to ryan and i, but the joy i see in our parents, sisters brothers, cousins, etc. the joy he brings perfect strangers when we are out and about. and the joy that exudes from him. he has his moments, but he is one of the happiest babies i have ever known. smiles and laughs and happy babble fill the house all the time.

low:

the fear. SIDS. choking. falling. swine flu. black widows. car accidents. baby crazed maniacs. peanut/bee/other crazy allergies. autism. raccoon roundworm. i have to stop listing them because just the thought is getting my mind on a path i do not want to go down. but what i mean is this: being a parent is terrifying, and it only gets worse in terms of things to worry about. i am learning to balance this fears and worries, but it is hard. i see how easy it is to become a helicopter parent and i am determined not to do that.

high:

being a kid again. ryan is excited about the train set and dump truck that our neighbor gave us, and i am excited for legoland and trips to the beach to build sandcastles. being able to do fun kid things and see the world through a child's eyes is pretty awesome. i love taking sully to the zoo and watching him check out all the animals, and i know that will only get cooler as he gets older and understands a little more of what is going on. to be a parent is to be a child again knowing that these moments are fleeting and precious.

happy birthday to sully, and i am looking forward to seeing what the next year brings!